Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
