my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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