woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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