This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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