So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
