I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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