My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
