I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
