It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
