im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
