so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
