I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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