His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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