Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
