the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
