god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
