You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
