awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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