They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
