A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
