I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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