Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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