The maid of honor just puked.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
