the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
