Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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