im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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