It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
