so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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