Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
