the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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