If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sober January is a disaster.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
