That's intense
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
