yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just cut my nipple shaving
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
