We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize