I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
