New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
