just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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