I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
