i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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