sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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