upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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