he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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