The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
