Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
