ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
