Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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