if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
