I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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