I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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