she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
