The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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