2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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