Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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