Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
